this is directed toward someone in particular, who will probably never read this.

i’ve stayed silent about this for a few months.

i feel like i’m ready to speak out now.

to anyone who has gone/is going through something similar — this is also for you. i want you to know you aren’t alone and that someone understands.

________________________________________ 

i hope you never, ever have to live with the same amount of shame and guilt that you’ve instilled in me.

i’ve thought about the incident every day since you violated me. i still feel like everything was my fault even though i’ve been told otherwise time and time again. if my mind & body hadn’t frozen up when you unzipped my clothing, maybe i wouldn’t be like this right now.

as soon as you touched me, i shut down mentally, emotionally, and physically.

there is something so unsettling about losing the ability to respond when you’re fully conscious. it’s like losing control of my body but still being terribly aware of what’s going on. this was the first and only time i’ve experienced this.

how could you even think that what you were doing was OKAY? if i wasn’t reacting to a single thing, if my body was completely frozen and i literally could not and did not move, why would you continue? and the bigger question is, if you thought i was exclusively into girls, then why the fuck would you even touch me?

i never consented. i never said yes.

i do my best not to think about the incident but sometimes those recollections overwhelm me. knowing that it happened makes me feel powerless. knowing where you hands went, where your fingers entered.

at one point, i regained control. i fought back. i pushed your hand away from my crotch and you stopped for a few seconds.

i thought it was over. to my horror, you went right back to what you were doing.

as soon as i said NO, as soon as i showed any indication that i wanted you to STOP, you should have stopped.

you didn’t.

you kept going.

you did whatever you pleased, rubbing your filthy fingers all over me, top to bottom. when you forced them inside me, i felt myself go weak again. i shut down again. at that moment i felt completely powerless.

you raped me of my relief, trust, comfort, and peace of mind.

i never reported you because i felt bad. you were a friend. i didn’t want you to get into any legal trouble. i probably never will report you because i don’t want you to be criminalized. i don’t want you to have to go through that.

i’ve thought about this every day since it happened. i blame myself for freezing up and shutting down, even though i had no control over it. i feel dirty. i feel disgusting. this incident has been the root of several panic attacks. i can no longer be touched in certain ways—and i don’t even mean sexually—because they remind me of things you did. something as simple as someone rubbing my back can set my anxiety off.

there was a time last month when i was in a friend’s car and something triggered the biggest panic attack i’ve had to date; i got a complete flashback of everything wrong about that night. i could actually feel your hands on me despite the fact that you weren’t there; touching me, placing your fingers inside me where they didn’t belong. i wanted so badly for that flashback to stop but it wouldn’t. i kept freaking out. i couldn’t stop crying for several minutes. “i don’t want it to happen again, i don’t want it to happen again…”

i am a different person because of you.